Wednesday September 18th, 2013 – Convincing myself I’m doing just fine!

The stall has sorta kinda passed although I don’t know if I’ll see quick weight loss as fast as I did for the first 2 months and I have to adjust to that 😦  Just like being a child and spoiled by a Grandparent, you expect it and I have to adjust now.  I’m now officially at 87lbs lost leaving me at 213lbs down from 300lbs!

Thet two pictures of me in a black shirt and jeans (obviously) was PRE surgery in April 2013, the rest are post surgery in August 2013.  I’ve included pictures from the gym, where I was trying to show off my tan line after a spray tan and have blocked out some of the “boob” part as that’s not my point.  What I was hoping to show was my waist and smaller face (in the picture next to it).

I’m now doing a walk/jog instead of just walk where I jog the distance between two hydro polls then walk and alternate this for about 25 minutes.  Never in my life did I imagine me jogging, even if for just 30 seconds to a minute!  And as shocking as it sounds, I can finally see (87lbs less) the change in me.  I seriously couldn’t (hardly) notice the difference before but it’s clear to me now!  My wedding is in 17 days and I’d love to be at 100lbs lost but I won’t actually set that goal as an official one as it’s not likely achievable nor necessary.  Maybe I’ll aim for 90lbs lost which only leaves me 3 more lbs to go!  That’s a nice round number 🙂

Still loving my FITBIT and have talked a few people into getting one!  I also find it neat that I don’t have to work myself up into doing exercise, I just jump into the idea and happily go!  I’ve set a goal at my gym (Curves) to go twice a week there (do more at home with walk/jogging) and try to loose 14lbs a month.  For an average non bypass person, that goal would be unhealthy and unrealistic but for me, it’s a tough one but possible.

Eating…I struggle with getting 60g of protein into me a day but I’m pleased that my appetite stays small and the portions are easy to manage and I eat at the most 1300 calories a day but usually stay around 1000 calories.  That goal happens more naturally too as I don’t plan for it nor log my food intake until later in the day and usually discover that I’ve taken in very few calories!

Monday, September 9th – The Stall Continues

I’m trying to stay mindful of how grateful I should be and feel for my success so far! 82lbs lost which means I’m at 218lbs down from 300lbs.  Today, I can honestly see for the first time without squinting or glaring at my reflection that I am a smaller person.  It sure helped when a co-worker last week called me “F***ing HOT!” which is out of character (to a degree) for him and very cute! With that said, I’ve been slow in my weight loss since early July which is annoying but I recognize, great none the less!

I’m hoping for 100lbs for my wedding date but that means I’m 18lbs away with only 26 days left so I’m guessing that’s not a realistic or important goal but boy would it be nice!  So what am I doing you ask… well I’ve bumped up my FITBIT awareness with walking and increased my walking to mini jogging! As of last week, I’m aiming for 5 of 7 days a week of intense activity OR long walks.

Friday August 2nd – Frustration mixed with Appreciation

I never dreamed my experience with wedding would be like the ones your hear and read about “family is making this wedding crazy – lets elope!” but that’s my headspace now!   You’d think at age 38, no one would think it’s their place to impose…maybe that happens when young people marry but not someone my age but YUP, there it is!  I can attribute much of it to good intensions but it’s gone beyond more than I can emotionally handle with the frequency and impact it’s had on others and I’m crumbling.  Another wedding/family frustration comes from my heart and it’s regarding my Dad.  In 2007 he backed away from our relationship for reasons that wouldn’t be fair to detail on here but I don’t hesitate to suggest that aside from small human error on a tiny scale, I’ve done nothing to deserve the loss of him.  Bless Kirk’s heart, he approached my Dad in July at a public place and invited him to rejoin our lives and be at the wedding.  With sadness I can say that nothings change (yet) but my sense is nothing may not change.  It’s hard to grieve the loss of a Dad, especially around a wedding, when he’s still healthy and alive.  My fingers are crossed that my half brother accepts my wedding invite and attends.  My other smaller frustration is about how since early July (almost exactly one month) thanks to the help of my FITBIT I’ve been super duper diligent about logging my food intake and doing purposeful exercise – so much more than I ever have in my life.   I average on a bad day, 4000 steps a day, a good day 10,000 steps a day and never eat more than 1300 calories but usually under 1000 calories a day.  But the weight isn’t coming off any faster?   With that said, I try to use my positive brain and tell myself that in 3 months (surgery anniversary was July 26th, 8 days ago) to have lost as much as I have, I should feel lucky!  So that’s my frustration part of my blog.

Appreciation…with Kirk and I being able to save every last dime for our wedding, causing us to not have to use credit or borrow or rely on anyone to get us through the costs attached.  Appreciation…with how supportive Kirk has been around wedding worries and woes!  Appreciation…that Kirk is my new walking buddy and we keep each other self motivated.  Appreciation…with how everything practical to do with the wedding is flowing reasonably well with a few exceptions of a wedding dress that doesn’t fit and a photographer change BUT we’ve found a generous heart who has offered her photography skills for a gift!  Appreciation…with the fact I’m 1lb away from having lost 70lbs!  Appreciation…that I have 2 more months to attempt to loose more to aid to the noticeable difference!  Appreciation…for all that my “Maid of Honor” is doing to help with wedding plans and processes!

Friday, July 12th – FitBit

Enough time has passed since my surgery that I’m not logging each days events, instead blogging about events that seem noteworthy.

I am sure I mentioned that I bought myself a FITBIT Flex, a device that is worn on your wrist and monitors many things, including steps taken in a day, high energy steps, calories burned, calories eaten, water intake and you can add friends and compete with their daily steps and goals.  I LOVE IT! (Bought online at BestBuy.ca and delivered in 3 days!)  Twice since I’ve owned this I found myself climbing out of bed because I had just realized that my daily step goal was so very close to being achieved that I walked the steps or went on the treadmill!  Your first pre-set goals of daily steps are 5000 and once you achieve that, it shoots up to 10,000 and tonight I broke the 15,000 mark!  The device also sets for you a goal of 3.5 hours a week of high energy/activity level exercise am I’m close at achieving that as well!  I believe since Monday, I’ve done purposeful (treadmill or outdoor walking for exercise) every single day except one.  My favourite walking place has been near Erin’s house (best friend), on back quiet country roads complete with wild flowers and creepy old abandoned houses!  Tomorrow my hoped accomplishment is to walk from my home to the town of Odessa.  I’m expecting that the return walk might be too much at this point so I’ve got my “mommy” heading to Odessa to pick me up once I’m in town.

The old me did do purposeful exercise in the past, once with the aid of a dietitian and the YMCA, attending 3 to 4 times a week for about 45mins to an hour each visit and in those 3 months, I could only loose 7lbs.  I don’t think it’s fair to label me with an impatient attitude, but 7lbs in 3 months was far too little gain for the degree of sacrifices I was making (which also included calorie counting/eating healthy too).  The difference now is that with the aid of the surgery, my appetite and my own choices around food is excellent, rarely ever having me eat more than 1000 calories a day, usually 800 even though I’ve set a goal for 1300 daily, I simply can’t get that into me.  I can see results on the scale and now see results on my FITBIT and all the math makes sense.  I’m also motivated by my wedding date quickly approaching and the need for a new or newly altered wedding dress.  I am officially at 60lbs lost and can’t wait for the scale to have the number “3” on it, as in 239!

So, Google FITBIT flex and give it some thought, I can’t say enough about it (so far)!

 Some stats for today’s daily and high energy exercise!

Monday, July 8th – 3 weeks back at work

Thanks to some requests, I’m happy to continue to blog.  Little ole me thought my blogs had lessened in their tiny popularity and there wasn’t much point but it seems there might be 🙂

• I am at 58lbs to 59lbs lost (it wavers between those two numbers)

 Me for Mikey’s Grad, with some ability to notice the weight difference in me (sorry for the no face shot)

• Almost nothing makes me sick any more (vomit sick or any other kind for that matter) with the exception of twice for reasons not quite clear to me.
• My largest (and by largest I mean an incision about 1 1/2 inches long has almost finally healed.  It’s been a bit longer than average but that’s likely due to my *lawn tractor on fire resulting in pulled stitches* and the dissolvable stiches that didn’t.
• I have not heard from the Kingston clinic about a follow up but since I’m feeling well, I’m not too worried yet
• I rarely feel the kind of tired that I had for the first 6 weeks or so.  Given I’m back at work I thought I might but only very rarely am I tired outside of the normal “bedtime”
• I rarely ever miss ZERO pop or carbonated drinks, snuck a 1/4 glass of wine but otherwise don’t miss alcohol, no desire to eat greasy fast food, not missing caffeine, getting a little more used to the drinking rules pre and post meals and do partake in a wee bit of treaty sugar but in very small quantities.
•  I find more often in the last two weeks, I feel (my kind of feeling of full) after only 3 bites of something, especially when it’s a meat protein which is particularly frustrating (since protein is so important).  I’m happy for the ease of control over the quantities I eat with this feeling but it’s a bit more extreme some of the time lately.  Odd is all I can say for now.  If I eat yogurt or salad, the FULL feeling allows me between 1/2 a cup to 1 cup of food but other items only are allowed by my new stomach 3 bites, hmmm.
• I’m slow to get back into the routine of things at work but that’s partly due to a client list that must of grown impatient (fair enough) waiting for my return and whom aren’t returning my calls to engage with them.  Soon I’ll have to bypass some people and move on to a new list of people in order to start filling my schedule.  Add in that I’m not on my Concerta (for my adult ADHD) so focus is a bit of an issue but not in a debilitating way, just little annoying ways.
• I heard (thanks to obesityhelp.com site) about FITBIT and did a lot of research.  Finally decided to buy one and it arrived (from Best Buy Canada) only 3 days later! I LOVE IT! The other night I was 80 steps away from 10,000 steps that day so I was motivated to get up out of bed (after I realized how close I was by checking online) and walked up and down my front steps to make up the difference.  Without my FITBIT, I wouldn’t be aware nor motivated.  It also tracks sleep/restless and awake times and foods (calories and carbs and proteins) which is very helpful when I’m supposed to take in 60g of protein a day!  Since I’m such a visual person, it’s a great match for me.  It syncs every few minutes throughout the day to my smartphone and my laptop.  If I so choose, I can constantly be updated about my progress.  In the first few days I was out choosing purposeful exercises (usually walking) to try to get my 30minutes of higher energy exercise in a day.  You can also add FITBIT friends and see how you’re ranking each week with their steps taken.  Out of 10 friends, I’m ranking 7th!  To be fair, all these friends have had their FITBITS longer and have put in a full weeks walk, I just started on Thursday 4th of July.
• Thanks to FITBIT I do purposeful exercise almost every day which is new in this last week for me!
• On a personal note, I’m finding myself (during these 3 weeks blogged about) very busy with events/parties and gatherings.  All lovely but time consuming, especially when we’re hosting them and most we have.  It looks like the month of July will be a bit slower re. events.

 Kirk’s Family BBQ (with the boys in the pic) and Kirk’s Birthday (his cake)

• Only 89 more days until our wedding and my wedding dress officially won’t tighten any more and I’ve grown disinterested in it.  Kirk wants me to get it altered and hopes I’ll change my mind.  I’m more open to trying to find a new one (new used since it will be my second purchase).  I am open to both options though.  I did try on a brilliant red one (yes, wedding dress in red) but it wasn’t the right red and I wasn’t so sure it would be right for me.  Still some things to get done in this short amount of time, including sewing red bling onto my nieces dress, wood accessories for décor, frames to clean up and paint (for décor), more tissue balls to make, INVITATIONS which need to go out soon! and likely more I’m forgetting.

 Our handmade OUTHOUSE card holder (made by Kirk’s Uncle Roger) and the red wedding dress I tried on (but wasn’t very happy with)

• My boys are home (of course, it’s summer vacation) and since they’re teens, they’re disinterested in any camps or sports so it makes for long summer days policing them around the house, ensuring they do some “off your butt activities” mixed with not too much screen time.  One is about to head into high school so we’re dealing with the “Prince” syndrome where he thinks he’s better than everyone else and myself and Kirk are constant *asses who have no brains, LOVE IT!  (screamed thick with sarcasm)
• SO, thrilled with my success and wondering how much more I can alter my shape and size before the wedding with my new found awareness of steps, exercise and intake each day thanks to my little FITBIT friend!  I’m averaging .64lbs a day since surgery! (since I had already lost 15lbs before my actual surgery date, thanks to the lovely OPTI fast drinks.

Sunday June 16th – Last Day off, work tomorrow

It’s been 7 weeks and never in my life have I taken 7 weeks off of work!  The time has flown, it might seem like a month has passed but no more.  Crazy how depression (and healing of course from a major surgery) steals your time but you have little to show for it!  Thrilled that I’m mostly better and only have to focus on my eating (with the excellent help of my little appetite) and exercise.  I’ve still not built in a regular routine of exercise yet, just bits and pieces and I guess I’m lucky that I live an active (with the help of my ADHD) life.

After 4 days at a conference with food being the main focus (not my main focus but it was hard to ignore), I’m trying now at home to shift back into my “norm” of eating.  At the conference it seemed that I was hungry every 2 hours or so (breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/HUGE supper and REPEAT) for 4 days!  When I did eat, it was still small quantities but it worried me how my body said it was hungry more often than I was used to.  When hungry my quantities stayed small but the frequency of hunger surprised me.  I’ve not weighted myself yet to see if there was a measurable impact but I’ll chance it in the morning.  My new goal is to stay away from sugar.  Of course I don’t expect I’ll be silly-stupid with my choices but I had a hard time avoiding it when it was a built in part of my life at the conference (2 desserts – half eaten and 2 timbits in 4 days) but in perspective, compared to the old me, that’s tiny.  The new me would like to hardly have any sugar that is not natural and only natural occasional.  The second meal in the “ballroom” was turkey and without initially realizing, I felt ill and nauseated and had to rush to the bathroom for the first time in almost 3 weeks and I blame the turkey.  Once, about a month ago, I tried turkey with the same effect.  Never did I expect the same reaction but I had been a very responsible eater during that meal (not even one bit of dessert) and with old symptoms cropping up?

Tiredness has crept back in a wee bit, but I could easily suggest that’s just life, not any cause for concern just yet.  I challenged it when I got home today (after my 4 days away) and cleaned most of the house including carpet and furniture steam cleaning and 3 loads of laundry.  So I chased the tiredness away with no problem.  I think I drank very little at the conference too (thinking back) but I’m happy to report that I’m very thirsty now that I’m home.

Picture below are more of the conference, my fellow foster parents and a training I was in (including Irwin Elman from the Child and Youth Advocates Office, Advocacy 1 Training and shots from the “Grand Ballroom” where our meals were served)

Thursday June 6th to June 12 – Week 7 Recovery

During these 7 days, I continued to feel well and eat almost normally (normally = small quantities).  I had our Special Day/Celebration I blogged about already and added some pictures.  Life feels busy and other than occasionally feeling tired, I’m keeping up much better as compared to the last 6 weeks!  I’ve had a second state side shopping trip for Mikey’s Grad outfit, an all morning appointment for my Mom, running around to prepare for the boys to be away and my (and Kirk’s) trip to Toronto for the Foster Parents Society of Ontario Conference starting Thursday AM (pictures are from the conference)

My weight has moved a wee bit more and I’m now at 45lbs lost after my hover at 40lbs for 2+ weeks!

Below are 3 pictures of Mikey, from baby to toddler to Gr 8 Grad in his suit we bought state side this week!  He chose each bit of it and colour!

 

June 9th – Special Day

Today was our PRE Wedding Day party for all friends and family directly involved to get to meet and know one another.  We walked back to my Aunt and Uncles property to the “pond” where (weather permitting) our ceremony will be.  Our photographer (my co-worker Derek) agreed to join us to do Kirk and my engagement pictures and each family that joined us yesterday had Derek take professional portraits of them all!  I also got to see some co-workers whom I’ve missed dearly (Amanda and Darlene) and Kirk’s best man was able to meet everyone else (as he’s not an avid facebooker where everyone else is staying in touch).

Health wise, life is generally good with still odd fluctuations in what I can eat, from anywhere to about a cup (or a bit more if I eat slow) or a few bits of something.  I try to stay strong with the rules around only natural sugars and protein first and mostly.  My weight has remained mostly stalled at 40lbs to 42lbs lost over the last 2.5 weeks.  Frustrating but I keep telling myself that I should feel lucky as 40lbs in 6.5 weeks is a wonderful amount.  I also and more so than the numbers struggle with my appearance (what I don’t see) in 40lbs less.  The clinic warned us that we would go through this and I am.  I know I’m one size down and see a bit in my face but overall I wonder where the 40lbs hid all these years.  I’ve pushed my luck and tried some sweets today (as our “cake lady” for the wedding provided us with 4 cake choices to sample in 40 cupcakes).  I’ve had no reaction to todays small sample or a few bites of a cheese cake on Thursday night at my retreat in Calabogie, which I also have mixed feelings about.  I would almost prefer the discouragement of feeling ill (dumping syndrome) from eating sugar (not natural) but maybe because I’ve only ever tried small quantities.  On a positive note, I have no desire to be crazy with sweats, only tiny amounts and twice in 6 weeks.  Greasy foods is something I have no desire to do so I’m not sure my body’s reaction to those items!  Just tonight I read some blogs from fellow bypass troupers and there’s some theme to the feeling that your body will mostly police you in the first 6 – 9 month by making you feel ill if you make poor eating choices but after that, it’s all on ‘you’ to choose protein, healthy, small quantities and exercise as your body does less in the ‘policing’ department.  If that’s true, I guess it’s best that I adjust to making the right choices just because, not because my body makes me feel full (which essentially I’m doing now anyways).

The pictures below include (in order) Mikey with Kirk’s Mom Sheila, Myself and Amanda (my wedding day support planner person), Tammy my sister in law and myself (wedding day planner as well), Kirk’s Mom Sheila and I, Erin (Maid of Honour) and I and Kirk with Mikey.

Thursday May 30th to June 5th – Week 6 of Recovery

A good sign I think but writing each day has become difficult since I’m finally feeling like myself!  I’m now on my meds for the depression symptoms and it’s been about 7 days and I have renewed energy (by today, 7 days later).  I’m back to my usual go go go self that jumps from one activity to another, with even a bit more energy than the “old” me.  The old me would push and push myself even though I would feel tired, the new me doesn’t even feel tired when doing more high energy things like my yard work.  In the past 7 days I’ve done a ton of yard work with Kirk including planting my wedding pumpkins and sunflowers, I’ve gone state side shopping for an engagement dress (for our pictures Sunday), celebrated my older foster son’s 16th Birthday twice this week, taken my Mom to medical appointments and got my nails done again (for our pictures).  Tomorrow I get to pack and have a mini kid and hubby vacation in Calabogie!

Our big pre-wedding party is Sunday where all friends and family directly involved gets to meet one another and we (weather permitted) will visit the wedding site and have my photographer friend/co-worker (and wedding photographer) take our engagement pictures and the other guests family pictures.  I pray for good weather! So, given the events coming up, yard work has stolen all of my time! My Family and Children’s Services retreat in Calabogie is from Thursday night until Friday night where one rep from management and the Foster Family Association Presidents meet (about 25 people) from all near by CAS’ then race home to finish the last details for Sunday’s get together.  Some special things going on Saturday too but that’s a secret for now.

After this week (and the last part of it is a busy one) I only have one more week off of work.  At least I’m dreading it a bit less than a week ago.

So, depression seems to be better under control and my weight as of today finally moved down 2lbs after hovering at 260lbs for 2 weeks.  Weight loss stalling is common but this was a first for me.  I just kept telling myself that 40lbs in 5 weeks was great success and there was no need to worry.  I was told that counting calories wasn’t necessary but after my 2 week weight stall, I recently decided to.  I’m ranging (in two days) between 1300 and 1100.  The old me was likely 2500 or more a day.  I rarely have sugar (that isn’t natural like in fruit) and have not had anything fast food or greasy like chips or fried foods which are two important rules.  The Ottawa weight loss clinic doesn’t expect us to calorie count, just follow rules like I mentioned and focus on eating proteins then veggies before our tummy’s get full.  I think it’s been one and a half weeks since I’ve had to deal with throwing up!  It’s usually a daily occurrence for me to feel sharp pain (although brief) in my left shoulder during eating (it’s a cue of being full) but this is tolerable and quickly gone.  I’m happy that hair loss or quality of nails hasn’t been a factor (which should suggest that I’m getting enough protein into me).

So, I may just log on once a week OR I’ll pop on when I can, I’ve not decided yet.  Generally speaking, things are going very good compared to the many complications I’ve had to face in the past!

May 29, 2013 – Day 34 Recovery

Well folks, here’s the Ottawa RPN 1 month post op follow up details

1. I have been diagnosed with depression which explains my constant tiredness, foggy head and unclear thinking and lack of desire to do things I love like my job (which I’m not back at yet but dreading) and my crafts.
2. My blood work came back great showing that vitamin and nutrient deficiency’s were NOT the cause of the symptoms and I’m doing well in those areas
3. I CAN start other purposeful exercise like going back to curves and starting AQUAFIT!
4. My only pain med allowed is Tylenol and prescribed narcotics but that’s it, FOREVER
5. The severe pain I get in my left shoulder IS GAS PAIN – how odd is that!
6. My main food focus while counting numbers is primarily proteins (not carbs/sugars/fats etc) but of course I need to be generally aware of not eating high fat or high processed sugar foods (which I do well)
7. Drinking pre and post eating, I’ve had explained to me well now so I can try harder at it.  Pre meal drinking if it’s done too soon before a meal, fills you up and you won’t want food (bad).  Post meal drinking can flush the food through your body too quickly causing your body to absorb nothing from the food (nutrients) and causing you to feel hungry again too quickly.  I absolutely understand it all now.  I knew the rules but my brain needs to also understand why.
8. My weight loss is at what’s known as the “high end” meaning I’m loosing a lot compared to an average.  My average is 6-7lbs a week and less loss is absolutely fine and acceptable by the clinics standards but I guess my body is doing well to cooperate!
9. AND…because of my continued side effects, primarily the depression, I’m off until June 17th! I couldn’t be happier because I was so not ready for work yet (big smiles!)  I love my co-workers and miss them but couldn’t focus and be of any use if I wanted to for my families/clients so this is a win – win!

So, Kirk and I left very happy with the news and direction given today!  That should be my last visit to Ottawa as my file is now being transferred to Kingston.  I do really like the staff and support in Ottawa though but the drive is crazy!