Friday August 2nd – Frustration mixed with Appreciation

I never dreamed my experience with wedding would be like the ones your hear and read about “family is making this wedding crazy – lets elope!” but that’s my headspace now!   You’d think at age 38, no one would think it’s their place to impose…maybe that happens when young people marry but not someone my age but YUP, there it is!  I can attribute much of it to good intensions but it’s gone beyond more than I can emotionally handle with the frequency and impact it’s had on others and I’m crumbling.  Another wedding/family frustration comes from my heart and it’s regarding my Dad.  In 2007 he backed away from our relationship for reasons that wouldn’t be fair to detail on here but I don’t hesitate to suggest that aside from small human error on a tiny scale, I’ve done nothing to deserve the loss of him.  Bless Kirk’s heart, he approached my Dad in July at a public place and invited him to rejoin our lives and be at the wedding.  With sadness I can say that nothings change (yet) but my sense is nothing may not change.  It’s hard to grieve the loss of a Dad, especially around a wedding, when he’s still healthy and alive.  My fingers are crossed that my half brother accepts my wedding invite and attends.  My other smaller frustration is about how since early July (almost exactly one month) thanks to the help of my FITBIT I’ve been super duper diligent about logging my food intake and doing purposeful exercise – so much more than I ever have in my life.   I average on a bad day, 4000 steps a day, a good day 10,000 steps a day and never eat more than 1300 calories but usually under 1000 calories a day.  But the weight isn’t coming off any faster?   With that said, I try to use my positive brain and tell myself that in 3 months (surgery anniversary was July 26th, 8 days ago) to have lost as much as I have, I should feel lucky!  So that’s my frustration part of my blog.

Appreciation…with Kirk and I being able to save every last dime for our wedding, causing us to not have to use credit or borrow or rely on anyone to get us through the costs attached.  Appreciation…with how supportive Kirk has been around wedding worries and woes!  Appreciation…that Kirk is my new walking buddy and we keep each other self motivated.  Appreciation…with how everything practical to do with the wedding is flowing reasonably well with a few exceptions of a wedding dress that doesn’t fit and a photographer change BUT we’ve found a generous heart who has offered her photography skills for a gift!  Appreciation…with the fact I’m 1lb away from having lost 70lbs!  Appreciation…that I have 2 more months to attempt to loose more to aid to the noticeable difference!  Appreciation…for all that my “Maid of Honor” is doing to help with wedding plans and processes!